Trials, Growth, Love, and Gratitude

It's been a while. Reading through the most recent posts (over 8 months ago) has been extremely interesting, that being said with great emphasis hahaha. Well its been a ride... that's for sure. To be honest I remember as I read every single emotion that i was feeling at that moment, lots of it influenced by a simple factor. Acne. yup. I just said acne, or maybe as those of you who are blessed with genetically clear skin call them, pimples. I can feel my expression go sour at the very word.. it's definition was spelled out all to well over my face for my freshman year. I was striken with facial acne, I'm not ashamed to say that. I remember for weeks my face wouldn't be symmetrical on both sides because of a very large and swelled "pimple" you could hardly call it that, indeed they were very large and extremely painful. Oh and you might think, why not wash your face... cut down on the chocolate and junk food fatty... get some prescribed medicine... I always had washed my face before, kept a healthy diet and active (very active) lifestyle, and yes... even got prescribed medicines, yes medicine(s) not singular (I tried over 5 things). Finally it came to the point which is most painful to recall both physically and emotionally, my face became so swollen on both sides (yet not symmetrical) that you couldn't distinguish my jaw line at all. That week I went to the doctor and got a steroid injected directly into the many "pimples" that distorted my face, yes that means shots directly into my face... many times. Definitely something I would like very much to avoid doing again. I felt ugly... I truly felt ugly, shunned, ashamed, resentful, low, unwanted, above all... helpless. For anyone and everyone reading this now with similar stories and feelings toward your acne listen closely. After so long I traveled to a dermatologist who recommended the prescription Accutane. Accutane is an extremely potent form of vitamin A which physically reduces the size of your pores permanently , so potent and dangerous if misused in fact that it is a government controlled substance. I literally had to sign a waver to begin the treatment. Notorious for its side effects which included terrible nose bleeds, extremely dry skin and lips, hair loss, intense negative reaction to the sun, birth defects (so serious women who are put on this drug must be on two, not one but two forms of birth control), and my personal favorite emotional distraught... to the point of suicidal thoughts. Oh and you bet I had my fair share of these side effects (besides birth defects obviously), it seemed my nose would never stop bleeding... it bled every single day at least twice for two straight months, my skin was always flaky, I burned for sure if I didn't wear sunscreen, and seemingly uninterrupted emotional vulnerability. That last word to be taken in the most serious context. Yet here I stand, or sit rather. Listen all those with chronic acne, though Accutane was indeed a vigorous test, a never ending trial of emotional and physical stamina. It's worth it. My scars are fading fast now, though admittedly the emotional scars and memories are harder to heal than my once stricken face... they are without a doubt, fading as well. If you are considering taking Accutane and are overwhelmed by reading the extensive and brutal side effects please think first of clear skin, your skin. Many people, even many teens somehow live there lives without having to worry about clear skin... clear. I can't even imagine it anymore to be honest... but I am on my way. God I can't possibly tell you how good that feels to say. I made it, I did.. you can too. Through this memorable point in my life many points stick out above all else, one point is my friends. Thank you. Your support was essential to my success and my present hapiness. You saw me for who I was and you stayed by my side all the while smiling and looking me in the face. Indeed it may not sound like a hard endeavor but people didn't usually look me in the face... I can't tell you how sad that made me, it hurt so bad. You all saved me, one of you saw my heart for what it truly was even more so than the rest and over time I realized that it belonged to you. My personal little blessing. You've been by my side throughout this whole experience and always supported me, laughed with me, embraced me, and looked straight to my very self. Thanks J--- I'll never forget you and how you've made, how you make me feel. To one and all reading this God bless you, without his help and love I can honestly say my very existence would be threatened, I wouldn't have my amazing and loyal friends and family, I wouldn't be blessed enough to look and smile upon someone I'm so undeniably happy with, I wouldn't be the person I am now. Thanks God